The Tinder Files, My first Three Weeks of Using, Deleting, re-downloading, and failing at Tinder.

Just a girl, standing in front of a touchscreen, asking him to match her. My first 3 weeks of using, and failing at Tinder.

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I am a hopeless romantic, but I am also a raging commitment-phobe. This does not bode well for dating. Here is a collection of my random thoughts and feelings about Tinder. I have had it on and off for three weeks, and I have deleted it and re-downloaded approximately it 3788773 times in said time period.

I have yet to go on a date because dates are terrifying, but the last three weeks have produced some fruitful interactions, and some strange, strange things. This is basically a weekly diary log of my Tinder experience.

*A Newbie Enters Tinderland with the Unrealistic Expectation That True Love Might Prevail Through Her Touchscreen.* 

Week 1: Act 1

“The Reality of Tinder Bashed her Like a Ton of Dumbbells So. many. gym. selfies.” 

Boys of Tinder. A few things I am thinking about on day two of having the app. By day two it seems, all hope that true love might prevail, is lost. And yet, so may questions arise.

Calling yourself “Golden Shower” ain’t gonna fly well with most. Sure, be into whatever you are into and no one should judge you, but does it have to be your actual name name? Maybe a smaller point in your bio? A topic you casually bring to the conversation on date 3?

Secondly, I think any more than one gym selfie, two at a push, is just creepy. At least create the guise of being somewhat humble about your bulging, slightly terrifying muscles. C’mon dudes, less selfies, more squats (please don’t Johnny Bravo on me!)

Thirdly, every picture probably shouldn’t be of you and the same friend. What if it’s the friend I fancy and I feel catfished when we meet?

Lastly, and I feel quite important….If you only have one picture of yourself maybe it shouldn’t be in a balaclava and sunnies? I feel the same is true for cars. 5 pictures of 5 different cars and no sign of you isn’t very helpful.

Also, blonde guy with long hair and muscles, is your actual name Hercules? If so, your parents are onto some real self-fulfilling prophecy shit and I want to meet them! Is it too soon to meet the parents?

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Week 2: Act 2

“I don’t know about you Taylor, but I am not feeling 22.”

Week two of Tinder brings newfound questions and conundrums. And by week two, I mean I have deleted it about 6 times, and then re-downloaded it. So it’s really day 2 if I add up all the hours I have had it, but this tiring process of downloading and deleting has now gone on for a solid two weeks. After week 2 I am left even more perplexed. Why are there so many 22-year-olds on Tinder? Where do they come from? Why are there so very many of them? 1994 was a baby-booming, love-making year of note! I guess in S.A this makes sense? Freedom prevailed, we became a democracy, much celebration was had.

But my main questions for this week are :

1) What is Tinder etiquette when you stumble upon a friend or acquaintance?
2) Likewise when you went to school with them?
2) Why do people pose with those doped up Tigers from Thailand? Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Not cool!
3) Snap chat filters are j’adorbs, but surely not for every photograph? Or maybe this is a thing. They were 22, I will let it slide. I think I need to increase my age preference.
4) On this note, there are so many 22-year-olds on Tinder? Is this the age of misplaced notions of romance, and dreams that tru love will prevail? I wanna be a young romantic again! Lol, I say again, but I was a young commitment-phobe.
5) Kissing dogs in your picture WILL always get my attention. You are guaranteed a right swipe. I don’t care how many snapchat filters you use, as long as you like dogs.
6) Tap ass guy was still the cutest thing I have ever seen.  Basically, upon telling him I had to dash and leave the convo because I had tap class, he responded with “I only know tap ass…..”Is this a foreboding reminder of the hopelessness of this all? Or a simple reminder that beauty does not equate to brains, or finding a feminist bae.
7) Is there a feminist dating app? Help pls.

I am no closer to going on an actual date, coz I am a wee little chicken, but I am learning a lot and have some juicy material for my future book.

 

Week 3: Act 3 

“Less Hope, Many Germans, and an Almost Real Date.”

The Tinder questions, observations, and conundrums continue.

Stats:
1 date made, 1 date canceled
Tinder deleted twice, downloaded 3 times
“I hate Tinder. I will never Tinder again” – Said and followed by a large, colossal sigh, at least 3 times. (Yes, as a Tinder regular after my 3 week probation period, I now use ‘Tinder’ as a verb.)

This week I almost actually went on a date, but then realised I didn’t actually want to go on a date, so I canceled it. (A respectful 3 days before said date, so I wasn’t rude and I was honest about the fact I do not want to date!) I was a bit disappointed as he had a cool ‘This is What a Feminist Looks Like’ T-shirt and this gave me hope, but alas, I need to do this baby steps. He said he hopes to see me on Tinder when I have dealt with my ‘inner turmoil’, Lol, little does he know, this will take a lifetime and I will probably still be working on the turmoil in the afterlife.

“Why are you on Tinder if you don’t wanna date anyone then?” you might ask.

Well, I am curious and nosy and sometimes the single life is a little lonesome (but mostly just cool AF 😉 and if nothing else, I am getting some good writing material. Also, I think I practiced my flirting skills a bit this week, and Lord knows they are a bit rusty!

This week on Tinder :

1) The guy who has SO many hunting pictures. I can’t even…..WHY, HOW, NOOOOOOOO.

2) The guy whose opening line to my friend was ‘I once made Penis shaped cookies….” Again, nooooo, whyyyyy, hooooow. Also, send a pic? I once made a penis pinata called Peenie and he was adorbs.

3) The guy whose bio reads “Fame, fortune, power, titties. People say these are the most crucial things in life, but it doesn’t mean shit if you don’t have anyone to share that gold with.”
– Okay, I chuckled. I don’t hate it. I might have swiped right. Because he has a point. All above-mentioned things can be pretty cool in the right context, and if not abused/objectified.

4) Many Germans. So many Germans on Tinder in Cape Town right now. Not a criticism, just an observation. I know many cool Germans and I am not opposed to the occasional bratwurst. (This is not some sick innuendo. I really do like German food!) Saurkraut get in my belly. (V. good for the promotion of healthy gut flora!)

5) The guy who dresses his dog in hats. I genuinely think I love him. But mostly his dog.

6) The guy who was like “Were you at Banana Jam last Friday?” Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm creepy. but Okay. Sometimes I forget I am swiping with actual, real, living people who might go out and stuff.

7) Now I have increased the age limit to 25, there are exponentially fewer gym selfies. YAY!

NEXT WEEK ON THE TINDER FILES.

  • How many times will I delete it?
  • How many dates will I cancel?
  • How often will I profess that I will never download Tinder again? Only to download it again.

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 I love her!

 

Friends, please share your Tinder-tastic stories and experiences with me? 🙂

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